School Smarts and Princely Pranksters
by BookwormExtraordinary
Summary: Sirius is out to get James and Lily. Locking them in a broom closet isn't the smartest thing he had ever done. Especially when they can't get out unless they're engaged... Written in play form. Originally intended as a melodrama. LEJP.


A/N: Let me know if it should be rated differently than T!

* * *

Lily: Lily Evans hated James Potter. If you asked her, she wouldn't be able to tell you why. She just did. It was probably something that had to do with his oversized ego. And his habit of ruffling his jet black hair that made her want to run her fingers through it and…no, stop it Lily, get a hold of yourself. You. Don't. Want. To. Snog. James. Potter. Senseless. Face it; she was never going to convince herself. Never.

James: Lily Evans hated James Potter. If you asked him why she hated him, he wouldn't be able to tell you. She just did. It might have something to do with how he always followed her around, asking her if she would go out with him. Nah, that couldn't be it.

Remus: Remus Lupin didn't know why Lily hated James or why James loved Lily. He supposed it was probably one of those teenage hormonal things. Except, James had been chasing after Lily for SIX YEARS! Insane, right? Oh, yeah. VERY insane.

Sirius: _I'm hungry. Very hungry. I wonder what is for supper. Are the house elves cooking tonight? I hope so. Last time Professor Dumbledore cooked, the whole school was sick for a week!_

Narrator: The beginning of a new year always brings excitement for the students. Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was no exception. As James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Marcy Higgins, Susie Simon, Joy Black, and Lily Evans prepare for their seventh and final year at school, sparks will fly and relationships will evolve into something more then the participants expect in: **SCHOOL SMARTS AND PRINCELY PRANKSTERS**.

* * *

Lily: Marcy, Susie, Joy; hurry up! We are going to be late for Professor Vivicenti's class!

Marcy: We're coming, Lily! We wouldn't dare miss Vivicenti's class! He is not only the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, but he is the most handsome professor. Not to mention that he is only one year older then we are!

Joy: Yeah, imagine, getting offered a job before you even graduate!

Susie: Professor Peterson was such a drag. Why would anyone care about what year some duffer discovered Purple Pilling Pongs?

Lily: Hey! That was my favorite class!

Susie: Figures.

Lily: Uh. Well, we better go before we are late!

Narrator: The girls were on their way out of the common room when they ran into the Marauders, also going to the same class.

Lily: What do you want, Potter?

James: Will you go out with me, Evans?

Lily: Never, Potter!

James: Please, Evans?

Lily: Puppy dog faces aren't going to help, Potter.

Sirius: As interesting as it is to listen to Evans turn you down, Prongs, we better be going to Defense.

Marcy: You are going to Professor Vivicenti's class, too?

Remus: Yeah.

Susie: That is where we are going!

Joy: Maybe we could walk together. I haven't had an opportunity to see my big brother in forever!

Sirius: Well, I haven't seen my favorite identical twin sister in ages!

Joy: Siri! I'm your only identical twin sister! In fact, I'm your only sister!

Sirius: I knew there was a reason I liked you!

Marcy: Shouldn't we be going?

Narrator: After they arrived…

Vivicenti: Welcome to your first class of the year, Gryffindors and Ravenclaws, Defense Against the Dark Arts. I am will be your instructor, Professor Vivicenti. This year we will be covering spells—defense and dark—creatures, and different plants to use to ward off evil. Any questions?

Susie: Professor, are you married?

Vivicenti: No, I can't say that I am.

Susie: Do you have a girlfriend?

Vivicenti: No. You have the strangest questions.

Lily: Sir, my friend is trying to find out if you would be interested in dating her.

Vivicenti: Well, even if I wanted to, which I might, professor-student relationships are strictly forbidden.

Susie: How strict?

Vivicenti: Strict enough to ensure I don't break the rules without a…good reward.

Narrator: Strangely, he was looking right at Lily when he said that, not at Susie. However, no one except James Potter noticed.

James: _What kind of a creep does he think he is? Lily is not only a vivacious girl, but she is a Gryffindor for a reason. And he thinks that she can be coursed into a relationship that the headmaster strictly forbade? He is nuts. Lily is a girl who requires a man who will take care of her constantly. Who will never abandon her for some other girl at a moment's notice. Who will love her unconditionally. Who will never leave her side and never forsake her. Who will stick with her, even in death. Who will sacrifice his own life for hers. Someone whose love will never fade. Someone like… Someone like me. I want to be her shoulder to cry on. To be the person who she runs to with her every problem. I don't want to be the one she constantly snubs. The one she is always sneering at. I want to be the one she leans on and I want to be the one to feel her lips on mine as she kisses me right before the preacher says, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'_

Narrator: James was shocked. He had just realized something…

James: _I want to marry Lily Evans. I want to wake up next to her every day of my life. I want to kiss her and know that she will never forsake me. I want to hear her lips tell me that she loves me with all of her heart and she'll always be there next to me when I wake up the next morning and—_

Vivicenti: Mr. Potter!

James: What?

Everybody: Laughs

Narrator: When Professor Vivicenti had startled James, he had fallen out of his chair! A first for the suave Marauder.

Lily: Potter, did you forget your agility at home? Oh, wait, I forgot. You don't have any agility, do you, Potter?

Narrator: Lily's jeers hurt James more than any other; he didn't even have a comeback! James was heartbroken that Lily would do that to him, he hadn't even asked her out or called her Evans in an hour! Except for the summer and break, it was another first for James Potter.

James: _Why does Lily have to do that?_

Lily: _Why did I do that? I don't know what came over me. One minute, I was actually feeling sorry for James. The next, I was making fun of him!_

James: _Why would Lily use the word 'home' instead of 'dormitory'? It doesn't make any sense._

Lily: _I wonder who was controlling me. Because, obviously, if I wasn't controlling myself, somebody else was. The question is: Who?_

James: _That didn't sound anything like Lily. I don't think she was in control of herself. But, if she wasn't controlling herself, who was?_

Narrator: After the day's classes and supper were over, the Gryffindors sat in the common room, talking in two groups: the Marauders and the girls.

Sirius: Prongs, what do you say to pranking Evans?

James: Padfoot, that is just wrong. Besides, she has a name. And it's not Evans, it's Lily.

Sirius: Lily? When did she say you could call her Lily?

James: She didn't.

Sirius: (Shouting) Lily?

Lily: Yeah?

Sirius: I was just wondering if Prongs here has your permission to call you Lily.

Lily: Only if I can call him James!

James: Deal!

Lily: Oh, and James?

James: Yeah?

Lily: I'm sorry about earlier in Defense. I don't know what came over me.

James: Apology accepted.

Narrator: When James turned back around to resume his conversation with Sirius, he found him staring at him.

Sirius: What was that about? 'Oh, Lily, I'm going to call you Lily and you're going to call me James and we are all going to be happy when you go out on a date with me!'

James: Unless you're deaf, she didn't agree to go out with me and I didn't ask.

Sirius: Yeah, but you call her Lily and she calls you James. And then she apologized!

James: Yeah?

Remus: What Padfoot here is trying to say is that we've never seen you and Lily Evans on such good terms before.

James: Oh, that.

Sirius: _Oh, that? __**Oh, that?**_

James: Yeah, oh, that.

Narrator: Meanwhile, in the girls' conversation…

Marcy: Lily, oh my gosh! James Potter just called you Lily! And you just called him James! And then you apologized! Lily Evans apologized to James Potter!

Joy: Yeah! Lily Evans was nice to James Potter!

Susie: This has got to be recorded. Lily's little Potter kids will want to know their parents' history!

Lily: It was just an apology! We are not dating, we are not getting married, we are just friends!

Narrator: Lily had shouted that and the entire common room fell silent.

Lily: Maybe I should learn to shout out in anger a little quieter.

Narrator: Then the common room was filled again with whispered and not-so-whispered conversations.

Narrator: The next day…

Sirius: Prongs, can we pour ink on Evans's head?

James: (Monotone) No, Sirius.

Sirius: Prongs, can we charm Evans's paper so she insults Vivicenti?

James: No, Sirius.

Sirius: Prongs, can we not tie Evans up until she agrees to go out with you?

James: No, Sirius.

Narrator: Sirius bounds out of the common room, laughing, to find Lily. James realized his mistake.

James: Oh, no! Sirius said 'can we _not_ tie Evans up'! I disagreed. He's going to tie Lily up until she agrees to go out with me! Oh, what have I done?

Narrator: Meanwhile, in the library…

Lily: _Why is it that I don't ever agree to go out with James? Sure, at times he can be an arrogant, pigheaded jerk. But at other times, he's the sweetest boy. I remember that one time, a couple weeks before our fourth year dance. James followed me around, asking me if I'd please go with him. He had even gotten caught sneaking in from the Forbidden Forest; he was carrying a bouquet of wild flowers. He didn't say so, but I'm sure they were for me. He got poison ivy from it. Along with detention and ridicule from the other boys for wasting a perfectly good opportunity on picking flowers. He is besotted with me. I have never heard that he asked out any other girl. He could have any girl he wanted. In fact, the only girl he's ever shown any interest in is me. I can't believe I've never figured it out before! James Potter is in love with me! And I can't believe that I never figured out that I like him too! I like James Potter! James Potter likes me! So…why aren't we dating? Oh, yeah, I hate him. Well, that's stupid. I like James Potter. James Potter likes me. Life is wonderful._

Sirius: Hello, Lily.

Narrator: Lily jumped.

Lily: Hello, Sirius. Do you know where James is? I've got to ask him something.

Sirius: That's why I'm here. You see, Remus and I found out that there's a leak in a water pipe in a closet. We decided that you should come see and then tell McGonagall.

Lily: Why didn't you tell her?

Sirius: Do you really think she'll believe me?

Lily: Good point. Well, lead on.

Narrator: Sirius led Lily to a broom closet. Lily touched the door and a moment later, she was sucked into the closet. Lily started to scream.

Lily: Help! Someone let me out of here!

Sirius: Sorry, Lils.

Lily: You can't call me Lils!

Sirius: Okay.

Narrator: Next, Sirius went to talk to James.

Sirius: Hola, James.

James: What did you do to Lily? Did you tie her up? If you did, I swear, Sirius, I'll kill you with my bare hands.

Sirius: But-

James: No buts. It doesn't matter that you're my best friend. All's fair in love and war.

Sirius: James! Someone locked Lily in a broom closet!

James: Where?

Sirius: Here, I'll show you.

Narrator: Sirius led James to the broom closet. James heard Lily's screams and touched the door. Immediately, James got sucked into the closet with Lily. Lily's screams intensified.

Lily: James Potter! What are you doing in here?

James: I was trying to rescue you when I got sucked in here.

Lily: Rescue me from what?

James: Sirius said someone had locked you in here.

Lily: Sirius is the one who locked me in here!

Sirius: Lily, James, this door won't unlock until you are engaged.

Lily: Sirius! We're going to starve to death!

Sirius: Don't worry, Lils. Food will appear when we have meals in the Great Hall. Also, I'm going to soundproof this room so no one can hear you. Have fun! _Muffliato!_

James: So…you're okay?

Lily: If you call getting locked in a broom closet with you until we get engaged okay, then yes, I'm okay.

James: We're never getting out of here.

Lily: You know what?

James: What?

Lily: We could really shock Sirius.

James: How?

Lily: We could well, you know, get engaged. Then we could get out of here and go surprise him!

James: You know what, Lily? That just might work!

Lily: There is one other thing.

James: What?

Lily: This.

Narrator: Lily leaned over and kissed him.

Lily: I just realized something. I like you, James.

James: Really? I hadn't noticed.

Lily: Well then, I'll just have to make sure that you notice this time.

Narrator: Fifteen minutes later, when they finally came up for air…

James: Lily Evans, I love you. I've loved you since the first moment I set eyes on you. Lily Evans, will you marry me?

Lily: Oh, James! I thought you'd never ask! Yes, James Potter, I will marry you!

Door: Click

Lily: Oh, James! We're free! And it only took a half hour! Just think, an hour ago, I was single. Now, I'm engaged!

James: Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Lily: It's a wonderful thing! Now, let's go scare Sirius!

James: Wonderful, darling!

Narrator: Meanwhile, back at the ranch of the Great Hall…

Joy: Siri, do you know where Lily is?

Remus: Yeah, Padfoot, do you know where Lily and James are?

Sirius: Well, you see, it's the funniest thing. There was this leaky pipe that I found in a broom closet. Lily and James just _happened_ to get sucked in there and I just _happened_ to cast a spell on the door to not let them out 'til Lily said she'd marry James.

Joy: SIRIUS AMBROSE BLACK! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, LOCKING LILY AND JAMES IN A BROOM CLOSET? SHE'LL KILL HIM! YOU'RE GOING TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATH OF YOUR BEST FRIEND! DO YOU WANT THAT ON YOUR HANDS?

Narrator: The entire hall fell silent. Everyone knew how much Lily hated James. Whispers started about how stupid Sirius was to lock them in a broom closet together. Suddenly, the doors to the Great Hall opened and everyone looked over there to see…

Marcy: Lily and James? Didn't Sirius lock them in a broom closet that they can't get out of unless they're engaged?

Susie: I think he did. Wait a minute. Do you see that glint on Lily's ring finger?

Marcy: I think I do. That means that-

Joy: Lily and James are engaged!

Narrator: More whispers broke out among the students in the Great Hall.

Vivicenti: How could this happen? I took over their minds to drive them apart, not bring them together!

Narrator: Everyone looked at Professor Vivicenti.

Vivicenti: Black wasn't supposed to do that. It's all Black's fault!

Narrator: Sirius gulps.

Vivicenti: It's Black's fault that Lily's engaged! Now I can't have her! I must kill James Potter and Sirius Black!

Sirius & James: Gulp

Narrator: Professor Vivicenti jumped over the table and pulled out a medieval sword.

Vivicenti: I'm gonna kill you!

Dumbledore: Well, this is fun.

Sirius & James: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! A mad ax killer is going to kill us!

James: Lily! Take the baby and run! Wait a minute, we don't have a baby.

Vivicenti: Funny how that works.

Sirius: You know what, James? Maybe you and Lily should have a baby!

Narrator: By now, Professor Vivicenti had set down his sword and was chatting happily with James and Sirius while Dumbledore sat at the table and ate popcorn, as though watching a very interesting movie. However, no one expected it when Lily grabbed Professor Vivicenti's sword and leveled it at the three men discussing her yet-to-be-conceived child.

Lily: SHUT UP! I have a sword and I'm not afraid to run all three of you through where you stand!

Sirius: (Knowingly) (To James and Vivicenti) PMS. Girls get it a lot.

James: (Pales) You mean this is going to happen more than once?

Sirius: Every month.

Vivicenti: I once knew a girl who acted like she had PMS all the time. When she got PMS, however, she was the nicest girl you might ever meet. Changes in mood. Aye, they occur often in the fairer species.

Dumbledore: Aye, the Misses often gets crabby.

James: You're married?

Dumbledore: Aye, nigh onto thirty summers.

James: To whom?

Dumbledore: The lovely Madame Dumbledore.

James: Who was she before you wed?

Dumbledore: The lovely Maid McGonagall.

Sirius: You're married to Professor McGonagall?

Dumbledore: Aye, and a fine lassie she is.

Narrator: At this time, Lily had handed Remus the sword and had flounced off to her bedchamber to see to the preparations for her wedding.

Remus: I would appreciate some aid in procuring some wooing techniques for my lady.

Dumbledore: Chocolates.

Remus: I can't. I'd eat it before she got it.

James: Flowers.

Remus: No, she's allergic.

Vivicenti: Verse.

Remus: I can't rhyme.

Sirius: Sushi.

Remus: You know what? That just might work! Thanks, Sirius!

Narrator: And off Remus went to find some sushi to use in wooing his lady.

James: For once, Sirius, your randomness actually helped!

Sirius: What did I do?

James: You told Remus to give his lady sushi.

Sirius: No, I was just hungry for sushi.

Narrator: And so, Remus is fetching sushi, Professor Vivicenti is searching for his sword, Lily is planning a wedding, James is trying to avoid Lily, Dumbledore is looking for Minerva, Minerva is looking for Dumbledore, Susie is trying to get Professor Vivicenti's attention, Marcy is trying to find James to ask him where he got Lily's ring, Sirius is trying to find some corn on the cob, Joy is trying to stop Sirius, and this story is ended.

The End


End file.
